T-Minus One Day: Performance Anxiety

In less than 24 hours, I'll be moving on up...to a deluxe pad on Pennsylvania Avenue. Between you and me, I'm worried. No, I'm not worried that the Obamas won't treat me well. I'm not worried about getting enough food or water, or potty breaks on the White House lawn. I'm not worried about getting lost in such a big place. What am I worried about then? I'm worried about the past.

Last night, curled up on Ted Kennedy's green vinyl BarcaLounger, I had trouble sleeping. So I got up, fixed myself a dish of warm milk, and headed to the library. Whenever I can't sleep I like to read a good book. I pawed a few of the titles until I came across "Tails of the Republic: A Compendium of Presidential Pooches, 1789-2008."

All was well and good until I opened the hefty, dog-eared, leatherbound volume and laid my eyes on the dozens of distinguished First Pups who have gone before me. It didn't take long before I realized I was in over my head. Listen, I may sound smart and together and even kinda cool, but I'm just a six-month-old puppy! What do I know from the White House? I started to panic. Just look at some of the amazing canines who blazed a trail straight to D.C. before me:


Fala, FDR's Scottish Terrier


This handsome guy not only starred in a movie about a typical day in the White House but also was made an honorary private in the U.S. Army, knew all sorts of tricks, and even had his own press secretary! During the Battle of the Bulge, U.S. soldiers would often ask each other the name of FDR's dog, expecting the answer "Fala," as a safeguard against German soldiers trying to infiltrate U.S. ranks.


Yuki, Lyndon B. Johnson's Rescue Mutt


Yuki was found at a gas station by Johnson's daughter, Lucie. This white mongrel was known for his exquisite singing voice. Above, you can see Yuki engaged in a boisterous duet with the president—or perhaps he was yappily protesting the Vietnam War. The canine world may never know.

I could go on and on with further examples, but what's the point? You already fell in love with Checkers, Nixon's bouncy cocker spaniel. G.W. Bush's Scottie, Barney, had his own full-time reality show on the Internet via the White House "Barney Cam." Buddy, Bill Clinton's chocolate lab, though not in the spotlight often, apparently brokered many peace agreements in war-torn parts of the world, while George Bush, Sr.'s dog Millie was a gifted accordionist and highly sought-after telepath.

What's an unsophisticated six-month-old Portuguese water dog to do? How can I even hope to reach the bar when it's been set so very, very high?

Even worse, what if I end up like this poor pooch:

Feller, Harry S Truman's Dog for, Like, One Day


Have you ever seen a sadder looking mug? Feller, a cocker spaniel pup, was sent to the White House in 1947, a Christmas gift to Truman from a U.S. citizen. But no dog lover was the 33rd president. He immediately regifted Feller to the White House physician, garnering outrage from the public. What if I get to the White House and the Obamas don't want me? What if I end up like doe-eyed Feller, who became known across the land as "The Unwanted Dog"? What if Obama regifts me to Tim Geithner or Rahm Emanuel—or worse, Harry Reid? Oh, please, please, Sasha and Malia, hold on to me tight and never let go!